lifeGlorious oh glorious day.. I think im ready for a breakdown. I'm just sick of everyone and everything, I have no one to turn to well it feels that way. Im sick of people bringing me down and just emotionally draining me. The day just gets worse. People have a tendency to treat me like shit and then say sorry when it suits them and think that its OK. News flash... It really isn't and one of these days I'm gunna snap and just leave everything behind. Maybe then people will actually give a damn.. Highly unlikely however. I dont even know what im feeling really.. Just kinda empty and numb. Thank god i actually did go to work.. The children cheer me up if it wasn't for them i think i would be in floods of tears by now. Everyone has their off days.. I guess this is mine i just wish i had some support and back up from the people around me. Hah, unlikely. Too busy in their own little world and own little life to even consider anyone else, doesn't surprise me really. I feel sick.. My OCD is getting slowly worse it's getting more noticeable with every day.. I hate it so much i feel such an idiot half the time, i guess that's what started this day off. Was walking around from my grans on my own after my mum said she would walk around with me.. nothing new she never does what she says. Anyway, i got it into my head i'd drop something and had to look for about 5 minutes even though i could obviously see there wasnt. The urge is just so strong to just push aside sometimes.. Really gets me down. I kept telling myself to carry on walking but i just couldnt. I walked around to come see kasy earlier otherwise i could have got a lift from my dad cos he had to pick my mum up to take the dog to the vet. But when i came home it just got worse. Sometimes i just feel like jabbing the craft knife from my desk into my wrist and just cutting. I know i can't. I have people here that need me.. Even though they dont help me :/. Just the way things go i think. So yeah.. I felt bad to begin with cos i have cramps.. Just never no periods. It's not as cool as what it sounds, i really think something is wrong with me.. I skip periods for months and months like could be 6 months at a time. I don't know whether masturbating is making it worse.. It just kinda worries me. My cramps get so bad im bent over in agony with them and that i just want to cry for someone to help me. No one would probably even listen.. Im so scared that my insides are fucked up cos of something I've done earlier and i cant have children or something stupid.. And to top this off.. Im worrying over my parents and my exam. The way my mum and dad are always so depressed really gets to me. Do you know how sad it is hearing your parents say that they have no life and hate the thought of the future cos they have nothing to look forward to?.. If that's not enough my mum is constantly worrying over her blood pressure.. Im scared she's going to have a stroke because her father had one when she was little infront of her.. Her blood pressure is like 190/130 or something like that. My head feels like its completely filled up with thoughts.. But anyway i came home and all i got was kasy's legs waving about trying to catch bugs and stuff when i only had so very little time with her and i missed her yesterday cos she went away. Just made me mad cos the walk around her was just.. I dunno... Hard for me i guess 
made me feel awful. I told her i had cramps and casually expressed my concerns.. she just said she didnt know what advice to give me and that i should just go see a doctor. Geez, wow thanks for that. We started arguing and i stormed off. I know i shouldnt have snapped but i have a lot on my mind. I came back however and said i was sorry and i kinda thought we was okay. The children at the nursery made me cheer up. I seem to forget my problems when im there because im just so busy with everything. Sometimes i don't even feel like me.. But thats kind of the best part... I'm not saying i hate myself cos i don't just sometimes i wish i wasn't me with all this pressure and strain at such a young age. Came home for lunch.. was even worse. She was a fucking bitch to me. Said she wanted to hear what was up with me but when i actually told her she said fuck all.. I just told her i never came home to argue with her and left. She never left me a message... She seems to think a sorry will fix all.. It won't. Another thing im just absolutely confused with her, i mean it's a big thing i wanna know if shes coming here or if im going there cos if im moving i gotta start getting things rolling... It can't just happen like magic.. Things dont work like that you have to put real effort and energy n strength into things if you truly want them to work. I feel like im carrying everything on my own. I really do wonder how much more i can take...
.Fucking hell that just scared me to death i clicked play on a song like 20 minutes ago and it just blurted out into my headphones..I just forgot about it '-' im very forgetful.. Anyway back to kasy and her softball although i call it baseball cos im so used to hear her call it that its just weird like slip of the tongue? Baseball... :/ Meh... I hate that feeling you get when you remember horrible things from the past. Just somethings really upset me what she does.. To say shes 'shy' and 'hates' her body sheeees flirted with ALOT of people whilst being with me.. Just hurts to know shes been doing stuff like lying, cheating and flirting like the entire time we've been going out.. kinda shit huh? Dont hold it against her or nothing just its kinda sucky. But so is alot of things. It's worth it 
That's a thing, im feeling very maternal lately I want a child.. a little baby all of my own what i can cuddle and look after and be up in the night and things with I'd love one.. but i know i can't lol not for a long time yet.. But some day hopefully. Hayley brought her baby around shes only just turned 17 and she tries shifting her onto absolutely anyone.. Makes me sad. I just wanna take her and playy shes absolutely adorable. She was so red though cos shes all chubbly and hasnt got a sun hat and it's been really hot lately :/ I think i might even buy her some cream and a hat myself cos I dont like thinking shes all hot and chaving and sore. I'd look after her.. Im not saying Hayleys a bad mother because she isn't but i think its alot of stress for her and she's a little bored at the minute, overall shes a good mom. Maybe that's why I've gone a little bit off sex recently. Not completely just sometimes i dont feel in the mood i just wanna lay down and talk rather than doing stuff.. Sometimes it annoys me when she goes on and on about sex because i kinda feel cheap and like useless.. Like im not good enough and she can just get it when she wants it? Shouldn't be planned. Should just happen.. That's when it's the best. Im not saying shes like a sex monster. Because she's not. I've just gone off it a little bit, just happened been in the mood as MUCH, not completely just not as much. Perhaps im just being a little bit broody and stuff.. I'd love my own family and just to settle down, i like just talking and being with her.. Rather than just sleeping with her and that's it. As much as i love doing it.. Sex is just sex.. I guess what makes it so good is the feelings and the closeness.. But surely you can have that without having to have sex just to get it? Ahh maybe perhaps. It is the biggest rush ever though, the tingles and just yeah.. It's great. But maybe I'm kinda ready to settle down :/.. Very scary lol. Woah... this is very serious stuff right here.. I mean I've always been serious about her.. But it was like one day we'll have a kid, one day we will get married..But i dunno now its different. Maybe i've just got dead serious. Oh my god.. okay.. thats heavy shit oh dear ive freaked myself out.. Righttt i think im gunna sleepp before i get thinking anymore. Nighttttt.... Bye 
Fucking good charlottes song just started blasted through my god damn ears.. Thank you pop ups but i was kinda already listening to a song.. Bubble Pop Electric 
this song is just amazing i bet i could make a great dance routine to this. Oh here we go.. Kasy is snoring 
sorrrnofgooofhhhhhghhhh oowoooowooooo .... Thats what she sounds like.. *cough*.. Sorta.. No one told me she snores she never told me that when i bought her.. Yessss she is mine, all mine even if she does snore.. Fucking msn.. Turning itself off.. Blah.. Anyway where is all the lesbians on this MindSay thinger? I've seen like 1 meh... its hard meeting gay people.. Gay guys they are all over but lesbians.. You never see any!! COME FOURTH MY FELLOW LID LICKERS... Oh well.. No luck.. Me and kasy will just have to stay with our lesbian friends we have already. Rightttt ima try wake Kasy up.. Sooo this is Laura signing out '-' lol.. seee.. well ive been sat here for about an hour waiting for her tooo finally get a txt telling me shes playin another game.. damn it!! her little legs must be aching :/ and shes probably caught the sun too and all her lil freckles r out heh '-' its so cute she just looks so sweet and innocent only i know better than that well ill probably have to sleep alll aloneeeeee meh.. brilliant... ahhhh BUT i have a week off so i dont have to be up so early. YES Thank god its driving me crazy getting up at 7:30 im definately not a morning person im the sort of laze around type of person. Ive discovered a new style also.. baggyish jeans that are kinda faded n lil ripped withhh a black hoody and my scarf withhh an oversized bag and some flats ohh and some killer eyeliner with a sorta messed up hair with a pyramid belt. Its all kinda cool. Or maybe thats emo, i hope not. Bloody hell i can hear her god damn air con through my music how loud is that thing.. theres no way i could sleep through that it would do my head in. Although biscuit chewing and gnawing doesnt stop me. That reminds me.. where is she.. i hope she isn't dead ooooohhhh wait no there she is. Note to self : Feed hamster much more regulary. That would save me the worry lol if i knew i fed her and changed her id be fine.. infact ill do that tomorro and ill feed her tonite Riteee ima sleep i hope she wins the next game... Im sure she will tell me tomorrow.. byeee .. Laura signing out... haha thats my new ending..
Well.. Im back again I guess there is loads of things i could talk about considering i haven't updated in like 2 years or something like that. But I don't really want to spend most of my update moaning about the bad stuff and I don't really think i have many good times to talk about.. So I think i'll just talk about my life in general. Not that many people want to know probably lol, but I suppose it's a good way of reflecting on my life. Well I'm no longer at school. overall i did pretty good with my exams although i fucked about way too much than i should have but that's trial and error i guess. Oh, and also im just finishing my childcare course at Barnsley college.. it's fucking shit honestly. Wish i never went there, but i met a brillant friend out of it so it's not all bad. Thats another thing, all my old friends i don't really see anymore. On the odd occasion i do because its nice to be back with them and see what they are doing after 2 years of not spending every day with them like i did wen i was at school. Sometimes I kinda wish i was the person i was 2 years ago. Then sometimes I dont. I dont really know to be honest i guess i was always out with friends being crazy and spontaneous and now it's more.. quiet lol. Not a bad quiet.. Just quiet. Sometimes I just like to be at home with my girlfriend (Yes that's right i said girlfriend) and just watch tv and talk but other times i just like to go completely crazy and be free and just me and I don't really have much time to be like that anymore.. My life seems to revolve around Kasy, arguing, college, exams, assignments, placements, family and this computer of mine. It's not a bad thing i know, im very blessed just sometimes i'd like to be more out there and experiencing things I should at my age. Although i guess i kinda experienced that already though lol. I get my results back from college in a month or so and then i really am free but not for long. Im already applying for jobs Just feels like my life is moving waaay to fast for me and im just waiting to catch up. Im sure i will. I hope i will... I've had some real trouble with my girlfriend over the past two years also. I know she loves me.. it's just she really doesn't show it with the things she does and it hurts me. She cheated on me about 3 times now. I don't really understand the reasoning in it and im not sure whether i want to really know. Lying, thats another thing she feels the need to do yet she says she still cares and loves me. I don't know what to do. And I know you probably think I've done it to her and maybe she thinks that.. But i haven't :/ i never could... Not to her... She really is my life and this is just something i have to cope with if i really wanna be with her. I really wish i didn't have to though. Also it was with my friend twice and some guy another time.. when i thought she was gay :/.. It's weird you know.. shes laying there right now and when i look at her i dont see the sort of person that could do that to me.. But i know she has and it just kills me. Im expecting it to happen again whether it happens or not is another thing. I just wanna protect her from all the evil things in this fucked up world and I wanna make her happy but it's hard when she does those things to me.. Maybe it's her way of saying i should just go? I really don't know.. I don't really understand her and thats such a really sad thing to say.. Do you how hard it is to devote yourself to someone when all your expecting from them is just more heartbreak? It's like im getting myself prepared and i hate myself for doing that because when we are together most the time it's great but it's when im away i just cant trust her 100% fully... I mean it's not like nothing ever changed when she did it.. I always loved her and she never even changed or acted different i would never have been able to guess what she secretly was doing.to me. I guess im a very tolerate person, but the truth is i couldnt cope without her...and i don't think she would either. It's a lose lose situation i guess. It's like when im there she just completely unappreciates me and the lies just tumble out of her mouth just as easy as when she says she loves me. And i give her some like stability so she can just fuck things up and have her fun cos she knows i wouldn't really go. But if I did go.. I'm scared for her safety and her future.. I know she doesnt have it easy but doesn't mean she should hurt me like she does. Enough about that... My 18th birthday soon. Not quite sure what im going to do about it but it's gotta be big and outrageous i think but also moderate at the same time dont ask me how i intend to do that though heh. Well im gunna go get some breakfast and clean up and i'll post an update later on.. so i guess its hello again mindsay.
Are you gone and onto someone new?
I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn’t have
But had no use
I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can’t choose
I swear I’ll never give in
I refuse
This lyrics..remind me of caleb sometimes..like today..everything is forgiven and i believe him im just so tired of being treated like this..i hate being angry at him cos hes everything to me..and i dont wanna spend what time i actually do have with him arguing
*~*..Im feeling sexy i wanna hear you say my name if you can reach me you can feel my burning flameee..Im feeling kind of nasty i might just take you home with me..*~*
lol..Nothing like feeling horni in the morning i guess, good good lyrics reminds me of erm.. yeah.. have a guess who it reminds me of heh..Yesterdayyy was bad bad bad bad, but after arguing and things.. i argued with everyone yesterday..wasnt good :/ but yeah me and caleb sorted it out which made everything seem worth while but i would still liked it if we hadnt argued. Ive decided i am gunna try take an interest in html and things for him.. i mean i bet he doesnt like everything i do but he still listens and tries help as much as he could, so i should do the same. When i came back from drinking but not drinking session i found a update on his mindsay.. a sorry message on his myspace which by the way meant alot.. and an email.. he couldnt have done more to say sorry. *~* I LoVe HiM *~* I stayed till 20 past 2 in the morning maybe later but i dont regret it cos it meant we was okay. My family is all having a bbq today..maybe my diet could have a day off for today..im sure it would be okay. Im waking him up at 4ish.. well im hoping on him waking up lol well thats kind of it for todayyy im finished woo..
*~* Yes.. no.. hurt me so good baby oh..Picture us dancing real close in a dark dark corner of a basement party everytime i close my eyes its like everyones left but you and me *~*
welll.. happyyy days itsss 1:16 and i av till half past to finish thiss then go sleep cos i av a exam tomorro..woo. Wish i didnt have to go..but i have to i cant afford to fail it really although if he wud ask me to stay..i would.. probably wouldnt be wise but ive missed him so much n people who are in love know what im on about it kills being apart from people and never talking to him. Dont get me wrong him being at the other side of the world hurts but i can cope and i can wait but not even talking to him hurts feels like somethings missing, was only for the weekend though so i can copeee. Hes back although hee has another game tomorro..pshh more missing him..lol..im missing him alot lately. I trieddd getting him to bond wi his sister darien.It didnt go well. I know he likes her deep down n when she gets older n less spoiled n jus more grown up they will get on muchhh better..Why do my blogsss seem to be all about him? Guess i cnt get him off my mind. Grrrr whores wanting him..fucking sluts *mumbles* seriously..why? hes my bf ..and if you know hes my bf if i was you i seriously wouldnt flirt with him especially if he isnt interested. Fucking bitches should back off..*mumbles more*..
